How to get over a devastating breakup

After my breakup, I could not stop crying. Every time I stepped into my car and was alone my eyes would start watering, because I was alone in the car and in life.

My car was one of the only place that I was not around other people. The rest of the time I intentionally surrounded myself with people. The office, the gym, Starbucks, dinners with friends. You can surround yourself with people, but you still have to deal with your emotions. They do not go away just because you put yourself in a different environment.

We were together more close to 3 years.

First my grandmother died. This event was another devastation, because she was my last grandparent. Her death was the true end of my childhood and the beginning of another section of my life. We were also friends. When my mother’s father died I was sad, but I was not necessarily devastated, because we were not that close, we were very different people. And he was a difficult man to get along with.

But my grandmother was another story. We had similar personalities. We both love reading books. And are naturally introverts. We both enjoyed have our alone time. We could also talk about anything. I still remember laughing hearing her tell me her thoughts about the ’50 Shades of Grey’ books. Christmas was always spent at her house. The whole family would gather around her Christmas tree and open presents. The extended family rarely gets together anymore. She had the most unique interior design. She loved lamps and had the strangest lamp collection. One shaped like a snake and one that looked straight out of France and The Palace of Versailles. She had the most intricate furniture and that stuff was expensive. I have no idea where she bought all of it. It is not my personal style, but I loved that she loved it. And it definitely felt cozy and warm and gave me great memories.

After she died I was also fired from my job. It wasn’t really fired as much as my employer and I both agreed that it was not working out. I stayed in that job much longer than I should have, because I was afraid of what quitting that job meant. It was my first ‘salaried’ position. I did not want to let anyone down. It was also a sales job. I was the head sales and marketing person for a web business. The main aspect of my job was to cold call new business.

What I loved about that job:

• Listening to customers and their concerns
• Teaching people how to use the software/product
• Building new relationships
• Growing the business and building new tools for the business to use

What I did not enjoy about the job:

• Cold calling potential customers
• Lots of rejection — Mostly rejection actually.
• Lack of guidance

I was not cut out to be that kind of sales person. Most of my time was spent cold calling, emailing, or visiting potential new customers and then getting rejected and having to follow up. The truth is that if I had that same job today, I could probably be great at it, because I know how to create systems and structure that might make me successful. But at that time and age and experience I needed guidance to point me in the right direction. I was just throwing darts hoping that one or 2 would land.

I am also introverted so chatting with lots of people every single day trying to push a product was extremely stressful and draining. Every day felt like a marathon and I did not feel like I was improving or learning anything.

My sales were fine. They were not horrible, but I did not sell enough to make it worth my time or the business time. It was actually somewhat of a relief to part ways with that business, because I thought I would have time to figure out what I actually wanted to do and what I was good at. But at the same time, I was sad to leave my boss behind. He was something of a mentor for me and really believed and supported me.

Little did I know that shortly after I my died so did my relationship.

I stayed in my relationship way too long. I had not been happy for some time, but I was still in love. I wanted desperately for things to work out.

My sister called me one day just to catch up and I remember her asking me: “Do you think this relationship is the one?”

And I said, “Yes, I could see myself growing old with this person.”

But, my relationship was slowly dying. At some point my boyfriend decided that he no longer wanted to be with me, but he did not come right out and say it. Even at the end he still thought we were going to be friends and have some kind of strange relationship.

The slow drawdown slowly drove me crazy. I constantly tried to talk to him about what was going on. And then one day we started sleeping in separate bedrooms. And I constantly felt on edge, but could never quite figure out what was wrong.

He was not in love with me, but I was still in love with him.

And then one day, my boyfriend bought a new house out of state and told me he was moving away. And he did not ask me to go with him. But I already that knew that I did not want to move to the location that he was moving. It was horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

How you know your relationship is dying:

• You do not talk to your partner about anything of substance
• They do not seem interested in you.
• You stop having sex
• They get defensive with you.
• They start talking/hanging out with other people.
• You argue about small stuff.

When we broke up we lived in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom rent house. It also had a shed out back.

I loved that house, because it was in a great location and I had made friends in that house and hosted dinners and it was small, but pretty. The botanical garden was right across the street and I could walk to the science museum. My gym was right down the street. Ft. Worth is a great town. It has a large population, close to 1million, but it still feels small. I could totally see myself living out my entire life in that neighborhood with those friends and that relationship.

The true end to my relationship was when we moved out of the house. I only had a few boxes. Most of the stuff in the house was his. He had a ton of stuff. I remember packing dishes and a bed and couch. Filling up an entire U-Haul. Some of his family even came over and helped us finish packing everything up.

I took one last look at that house and then drove off. Crying.

It was the end of an era.

He thought we would still be friends. He even had me meet him in the parking lot of Starbucks one more time to give me of my things that had gotten mixed up with his. He acted as if we were acquaintances that shared meals and got together every so often. But I immediately put a stop to that. I told this was the last time that he was going to see me. And I meant it.

Dallas is a metroplex with nearly 6million people living there. It is rare that you ever just bump into someone. I have not seen him since that day. Honestly, I do not think he would recognize me.

When I moved out of that house, I moved back into my parents house. I was a wreck. I was a jobless, heartbroken, gay man living with his parents. I did not know what to do and I love my parents, but an adult living with parents is difficult.

My parents will never see me as an adult. They will always see me and treat me as a child. I love my parents. But we think very differently. Maybe it is generation thing. Or maybe it is a political thing. They are conservative, I am liberal. They are traditional, I work in technology. I am gay they are straight.

I was depressed.

But I knew that I did not want to live with my parents for long, so I had to get moving.

If you have not figured out what your “purpose” is or what you were born to do, then experiment.

I did many different things after my breakup.

What activities did I do after the breakup:

• Started working out
• Meeting new friends
• Going to coffee shops
• Going to meetups
• Reading books
• Taking new classes

I knew that if I did not change myself then I was going end up at my parents house for years. I wanted to prove that I could make it on my own.

Slowly, my life changed.

I made new friends. I developed new skills. I earned another job where I could make more money.

There was not short way to heal from the breakup. It took at least a year. I would catch myself thinking about him for no reason and remembering things that had happened. It was like an old movie in my head and I kept replaying what had happened.

What could I have done differently?

Even though I was broken up with there were a lot of things that I could have done differently. I had to take responsibility for my actions in order to change my future behavior.

• Why did I argue so much?
• What actions did I not do?
• What actions did I do that I could have do differently?

It is always important to review your past actions to identify any patterns of behavior, romantically or in your professional life. You are going to need to change so bad habits if you are going to get better in the future. Or just change your time. What actions are you spending time doing and what actions are you not spending time on?

What actions can you do to move on?

• Remove any photos of the other person. You do not want to be seeing your past all over the place.
• Change your physical space even if just a tiny bit. Buy a new blanket or lamp or bed sheets. You are thinking forward.
• Meet new people. Work and socially
• Do new things. Go on a trip or go visit someone you love in another place. Try a new workout. Boxing, Crossfit? Try a new restaurant.
• Read, write, speak
• Talk to someone. Parent, sibling, friend, therapist

Mental, physical, spiritual and emotional health

You want to have a balanced life. That means taking care of these 4 areas of your life. That is where I had to start.

• Physical: I started going to the gym everyday and going for jogs/walks outside.
• Mental: I went back to school to get a bachelors degree in something I enjoyed. I stared reading books about topics I was interested in. I started listening to podcasts that made me think. I started writing.
• Spiritual: I thought about all the things that I still had to be grateful for. Focus on what you have and do rather than what you are lacking
• Emotional: This was the most difficult. I think that meeting new people and leaning on friends really helped in this stage. Because I needed to be around people that loved me and supported me. People that were there in my physical space.

Meet new people. There are so many people in the world. People that need your help. People that you can impact. You just have to find them. And it is not that hard. They are right outside your door and in your community if you look.

It has never been easier to meet people. There are Meetups and groups of all different variety.

For the first month I was broken up with and living with my parents, I made it a point to go to one new meetup a week. Just to test it out and see if I liked it. One was for board games, another technology, business etc.

Whatever you are interested in go to a meetup about it. You do not have to commit to it, you just have to go to see if you will like it and will meet new people.

It is about getting out of your comfort zone and your routine.

How to love yourself:

• Spend time alone
• Do things that only you enjoy
• Find friends that you click with
• Clean your space. Invest in a great bed.

It me at least a year to get over my breakup. People asked me out on dates and I said no. I was not ready for any type of emotional relationship.

Being in a relationship can be tough. Because you have to think of the other person more than yourself, but then you cannot control them. You can only control your actions and you are responsible for your happiness.

Here is what happened that led to my next relationship.

I have never had a serious relationship that came from online dating. I think most people today and in the future will meet virtually before they meet in person. In my case my relationships have always come out of meeting new people through friends.

As a newly single person one of my friends started inviting me to a board game’s night.

This is a great event to attend. It was at a bar and there were lots of people that attended. You could move from table to table. You could play all kinds of different games.

It makes you think and try new things. Meet new people. And be competitive.

I am competitive. I want to win.

There are always new people to meet and get to know.

It went one once a month before the 2020 illness.

I went every month. And I met new people and brought some of my friends.

This is where I met my current boyfriend. We met and became friends and then we started doing more and more activities together. It was not really dating, more just enjoying each other’s company. Until one day it changed. And we both realized that we enjoyed being together. It was easy.

Too many people try and force a relationship to happen, because they do not want to be alone. They want to be coupled up.

I have never had that fear. I am my own best friend. I actually think being in a relationship is harder than being single. When you are in a partnership you have to work with another person and that is not always easy. When you are single you only have to listen and negotiate with yourself.

Signs of a good relationship:

• You listen to the other person
• Your disagreements do not become out of control
• You enjoy being around the other person
• You do fun things together
• You make plans for the future
• You talk about hard topics: parents, money, sex

Live in the moment. Do not time travel. Do not spend too much time living in the future or the past.

I love my boyfriend.

One of the things that changed when I went through a breakup was I stopped thinking in terms of “forever” humans only live as long as 100 hundred years if we are really lucky.

I still remember like yesterday my sister asking me: Do you think this person is the one? And I said, yes I could see myself with this person forever.

When you assume that you are going to be with a person forever, you can start to take them for granted, because you just assume they will always be there with you and you do not need to take care of their needs anymore. But you only have today. You have to appreciate the people in your life everyday and check in with them. You are not going to last forever and neither will the other person, so you have to take advantage of your time.

When I was heartbroken, I was also broke. I did not want to look at my financial position, because I knew that it would be bad. When I met and started dating my boyfriend, I was starting a business. I did not want to have to rely on another person for money, because they could take it away from you and leave you with nothing. I had an urgency that nothing was going to stop me. I could not afford to be broke and heartbroken anymore.

You must create urgency in your life to get things done. Accomplish what you can accomplish today, because you do not know if you will be able to do it tomorrow.

Getting over heartbreak is not easy, but lots of people have do it and you can do it. Maybe your heartbreak was meant to happen or maybe not. It really does not matter, what matters is you are creating. What impact are you having on your own life and the world around you. Make it a positive. Do not focus on having a relationship. Focus on making your life as interesting as possible and tons of people will become interested in you and what you have going on. They you get to be the one picking someone rather you searching for someone.

There is no one path we are supposed to follow. There are lots of paths you can follow. There are lots of careers that I have had. Lots of movies I like to watch and books I want to read. There are lots of situations that I could be happy in.

But I get to choose. You get to choose what kind of life is going to make you happy?

Start with yourself and then find a partner that accepts you for who you are.

Choose yourself and then choose your partner. And then keep choosing till your dying day.

This is how you get over a devastating breakup.